A Study of Cyberspace
by Lemon Zinger
Summary: This is a series of texts, blogs, emails, voicemails, and calls between the detective, doctor, and anyone else unfortunate enough to get brought into this. Latest Chapter: A crying client takes a liking to the detective... much to everyone's amusement!
1. Boots, Hands, and Lotion

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Hello, you have reached the mailbox of Sherlock Holmes, the world's only private consulting detective. If this is Lestrade, the boot holds the answer to the Harrow case. If this is Mrs. Hudson, I will remove the hands from the refrigerator soon. If this is John can you pick up some milk, broccoli and lotion?

_Beep!_

Sherlock you have got to stop leaving messages like that on your voicemail! People are going to get the wrong idea! Anyway I… totally forget what I was going to tell you now. Well, if it comes I'll call back.

_Beep!_

How did you… what… Oh whatever, I know I'll never know how you do it, only that you do, in fact, somehow manage to sort out these silly problems. Well, thanks anyway.

_Beep!_

Brother I am getting a little tired of not hearing from you. Do give a ring when you have a moment away from your work. And I know you've been without a case for nearly 24 hours so there is no use in pretending otherwise.

_Beep!_

I remembered what I was going to say Sherlock, I was going to tell you that homeless friend of yours gave me a note to pass on to you. Says "ER52 HYN." Hope that helps with whatever you needed it to help with.

_Beep!_

Hi, it's Molly… I called the first time, hung up, and now called back just to ask why you have hands in your refrigerator? I really hope you aren't going cannibal… And lotion? Have you and John gotten serious? I mean, I'm happy for you… I guess… Anway, don't call back… bye.

_Beep!_

Voicemail greeting updated. This is your new greeting: Hello, you have reached the mailbox of Sherlock Holmes, the world's only private consulting detective. If this is Mycroft, I will call back when I feel like it. Likely never. If this is Lestrade, I hope you don't seriously think Haines committed that murder? And John considering your lack of a current girlfriend, I cannot help the assumptions people make.

_Beep!_

Sherlock you know I have ways of finding you.

_Beep!_

And just why not? If you think you're so clever what really happened?

_Beep!_

Sherlock I'm going to… Oh for goodness sakes! I'm not getting you lotion!

_Beep!_

_New text message!_

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

Please? My hands are really dry.

_New text message!_

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

No.

_New text message!_

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

You don't really want to hear me play violin with dry hands.

_New text message!_

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

Fine! You win!

_New text message!_

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

I'm partial to cocoa butter.

_New text message!_

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

Fine.

* * *

Just for fun, like I said :)


	2. Put Down the Pants!

*One new Text Message*

Sherlock Holmes: I am in need of my pants.

John Watson: And why can't you get them?

Sherlock Holmes: I'm in the shower.

John Watson: You remembered your phone but not your pants?

Sherlock Holmes: I must've dropped them when I was coming to the shower.

John Watson: You visited Buckingham Palace in a sheet. Surely walking from the bathroom to your room without pants is no big deal.

Sherlock Holmes: It was warm then and leaving a steamy bathroom to venture into the cold air without proper coverings is acutely unpleasant. Really doctor you don't think!

John Watson: Neither do you when you insult the man you need help from.

Sherlock Holmes: Please?

John Watson: If you allow me to take more pictures of you in the hat for my blog.

Sherlock: Perhaps…

John Watson: Then perhaps I'll get your pants.

Sherlock Holmes: Would it hasten your decision if you knew your toothbrush was dangling over the toilet?

John Watson: Coming. Blackguard.

Sherlock Holmes: Hurry! There's been a murder on Whitehall!

John Watson: There will be another murder shortly…

Sherlock Holmes: Oh? How do you know?

John Watson: You're hopeless

*One new text message*

M. Hudson: Jennifer, how can you tell when your lodgers are… well, growing affectionate towards one another?

J. Turner: Oh you know, the usual, visits to each other's bedrooms, looks, and showers together.

M. Hudson: Oh, okay then.

J. Turner: Why, what did you see?

M. Hudson: John went to the shower and I heard Sherlock tell him to put down his pants and he would put down the brush.

J. Turner: You want to come wait it out over here?

M. Hudson: On my way.


	3. Questions at 3 AM

***One new text***

From: Sherlock Holmes

The woman in the picture, did she have a handbag on the right shoulder or the left?

From: Lestrade:

Sherlock, it's three a.m. and I'm going to kill you. What the bloody heck does it matter?

From: Sherlock Holmes

What does it matter that it's three a.m. or that you are going to kill me?

From: Lestrade

Left. It was on the left.

From Sherlock Holmes

By the way, kill me will not solve this case.

From: Lestrade

Oh but it will solve my headache

From: Sherlock Holmes

How do you know that?

From: Lestrade  
Go to bed before I have Watson come in with a tranquilizer

From: Sherlock Holmes

I am in bed. I'm merely trying to solve this case.

From: Lestrade

Goodnight Holmes

***One new text message***

From: Lestrade

Thank you for shutting him up.

From: John

You are welcome. Next time just don't answer.

From: Lestrade

I tried that once awhile ago with very unpleasant results.

From: John

Oh?

From: Lestrade

He came to see me

From: John

He came to your house?

From: Lestrade

He broke in. And I was naked.

From: John

This is so going on my blog!

From: Lestrade

NO!

From: John

Oh common, then maybe people will think you two have a thing instead of me.

From: Lestrade

I will hunt you down and kill you.

From: John

And spare me living with Holmes

From Lestrade

You have a point. I think you will suffer more alive.

From: John

Probably.

From: Lestrade

Goodnight

From: John

Goodnight


	4. Let It Out!

**The Blog of Dr. John Watson**

There is nothing more amusing then watching the world's most arrogant consulting detective get a taste of what it's like to be caught off-guard. Once again, I was witness to Sherlock feigning to have known the victim of a murder in front of family. The woman was the poor man's grandmother and she was crying as Sherlock approached her.

"I'm so sorry Mrs. Wilkinson… I… I knew Derick as a young boy…" Sherlock said, forcing tears. "We have kept in touch all these years…"

"Oh you poor thing!" The grandmother cried, hugging Holmes around the waist and patting his back. "Oh let it out! Let it out!" She instructed.

Much amused as we all were by the sight of the cold and calculating man being held and instructed to cry, he quickly untangled himself and made a hasty retreat. I do believe though that a few Scotland Yard officers have pictures that I will upload as soon as I can get my hands on them.

**Comments:**

Inspector Lestrade: Oh yes! This was truly the funniest sight!

Sherlock Holmes: I will find and destroy any such visual evidence that exists.

John Watson: Now, now Sherlock, behave.

Inspector Lestrade: I really must lobby for some new security measures for our phones.

John Watson: Good plan.

Donovan: Oh this really is too much! Has Sherlock found the pictures yet?

John Watson: There never were any, I just love making him paranoid.

Mycroft: Good show Watson!

Lestrade: Hahahaha!

Sherlock Holmes: I will get you all back for this. Fiends.

Inspector Lestrade: Actually, apparently there _are_ pictures. Anderson has them, and he's printed copies and sent them out all over Scotland Yard. Sending you attachments John.

John Watson: Oh my goodness! Who photoshopped him into a dress?!

Sherlock Holmes: You are all evil!

Inspector Lestrade: Just let it out Holmes, let it out!

John Watson: Ha ha!

Donovan: LOL!

* * *

Any ideas would be appreciated!


	5. You Got Beef John?

*One new text message*

Sherlock: What's up homey?

John: Excuse me?

Sherlock: What's crackalackin?

John: Sherlock what is going on?

Sherlock: I'm learning the language of da hood foreals dawg.

John: English?

Sherlock: Dat waz English fool!

John: What is going on?!

Sherlock: No need to go off aight! Jus be easy!

John: What are you doing? Seriously? Where are you?

Sherlock: At our crib.

John: And why are you speaking like an American?

Sherlock: I got a website to drop science to me.

John: Please explain in terms I understand.

Sherlock: I need to pass for a gangsta.

John: Well you cause trouble, toe the line of the law and have plenty of enemies.

Sherlock: I got juice.

John: I am assuming you are not referring to the beverage.

Sherlock: You got beef John?

*Internet search: Gangsta slang.*

*Results: 208,485.*

John: Lemme break dis down for you, b, I'm gonna bust you if ya keep buggin you game?

Sherlock: What's the dealy?

John: You gotta lotta smack talk but you ain't gonna back it up?

Sherlock: I think you're fakin jacks

John: I'm gully, I think yore just some punk herb!

Sherlock: I ain't like those jake's from SY.

John: My bad then you just show propers.

Sherlock: Everything's straight then?

John: Word.

Sherlock: True dat.

* * *

A/N: Feel the need to remind everyone this is just a funny! Not intended to be offensive or anything. Also I know the usages aren't perfect, because they wouldn't be used perfectly. :)


	6. The Night Before Christmas

*Ten Unread Emails*

From: Sherlock Holmes... Subject: I need into the flat... Date: December 24th, 10:45pm

From: Sherlock Holmes... Subject: I need into the flat... Date: December 24th, 10:46pm

From: Sherlock Holmes... Subject: I need into the flat... Date: December 24th, 10:48pm

...

* * *

*Fifty new text messages*

Sherlock: John I need in.

Sherlock: John!

Sherlock: P

Sherlock: L

Sherlock: E

Sherlock: A

Sherlock: S

Sherlock: E

Sherlock: L

Sherlock: E

Sherlock: T

Sherlock: M

Sherlock: E

Sherlock: I

Sherlock: N

Sherlock: !

...

* * *

*8 New Voicemails*

"John, it's me again... I really wish you would pick up! It's cold outside! John! Fine... I'll just try it all again."

"Me again. Still outside. Probably will be dead of hypothermia by the time YOU answer."

"You go to bed too early!"

...

* * *

*One New Text*

John: Well I don't see you outside.

Sherlock: Oh, awake now are we?

John: Sorry Sherlock, I had been awake almost twenty hours.

Sherlock: And that many calls, texts, and emails did nothing?

John: I silenced everything. You're the one that forgot your key. You knew Mrs. Hudson was away.

Sherlock: Nevermind. Are you going to let me in now so I can come home?

John: Sure, where are you?

Sherlock: Someone took pity on me.

John: You went to Mycroft?

Sherlock: He doesn't have pity.

John: Lestrade?

Sherlock: I'll be home in a bit.

John: Oh! Molly!

Sherlock: Are you going to let me in?

John: Tell me who you were with first.

Sherlock: I hate you.

John: Tell me...

Sherlock: Fine! Yes! She took pity on a poor man trapped in the cold on Christmas night!

John: And did anything transpire while you cuddled by a fire?

Sherlock: Shut up . Of course not.

John: Grinch.

Sherlock: Bah Humbug.


	7. Blue Hair and Sirens

-One New Message-

Sherlock: John, what did you do to my shampoo?

John: Oh, I found it on the kitchen table. Almost used it as dressing. I put it in the bathroom.

Sherlock: That wasn't shampoo.

John: It said shampoo on the bottle.

Sherlock: Don't judge the contents by the bottle!

John: Don't use shampoo bottles to hoard blood or whatever chemical was in there.

Sherlock: It turned my hair blue!

John: What?

Sherlock: Yes. So my disguises are now ruined. Thank you very much.

John: Okay hold on a second, I'll see about some black dye...

-Five minutes later-

Sherlock: JOHN GET BACK HERE!

John: No!

-One New Text-

John: Lestrade, I might need some witness protection or something.

Lestrade: Why? What did you witness?

John: Sherlock with blue hair. And I have pictures.

Lestrade: I want to see! Bring them down!

John: He's chasing me down Bakers Street...

Lestrade: I'll be there in a minute! Don't lose those pictures!

-One new text- -One new text- -One new text-

Sherlock: If those pictures are not deleted without any further tampering I will set off every alarm within Scotland Yard! I saw you pick up John, Lestrade!

Lestrade: I don't know what you're talking about.

-The Next Morning-

_The Times_

_Yesterday several security alarms _

_were tripped within the Scotland_

_Yard headquarters. The hour-long _

_blaring seems to be the responsibility _

_of amateur detective Sherlock Holmes,_

_pictured below. The blue hair seems to_

_have some connection to the incident, _

_though the details have not yet been _

_released..._


	8. Autocorrect Outsmarts the Amateur

-One New Text-

John: Lestrade this is Shirley I think I have a new leak.

Lestrade: Wait what?

John: No... this is she lock I think I have a new lead*

Lestrade: Having phone issues Sherlock?

John: I'm borrowing John's phone because mine broke and the new one hasn't arrived yet. I have a new leak on the Pall Mall muppets.

John: Lead* murder* this phone isn't working!

Lestrade: Ha ha! Technology getting the better of you?

John: That is not funny Lestrade. I'm being Serbian!

Lestrade: Do you have your immigration paperwork? I'm going to have to check it.

John: Lestrade would you lister to me? The castrate I'm working on is at stair!

Lestrade: Shirley I don't recommend you preform surgery on yourself. Leave that to the doctor. And especially not on the stairs!

John: This. Phone. Is. So. Stupor!

Lestrade: I would blame user error.

John: This is not my fatly!

Lestrade: Then whose fat is it?

John: Fault*! Lestrade why didn't you answer my call?

Lestrade: I'm having more fun reading your texts.

John: That is not fair! Phones should not come with this blasphemy feather!

Lestrade: When did you get spiritual?

John: Blasted* feature*

Lestrade: Well it works just fine for normal people.

John: Those who need such artichoke intelligence.

John: Art facial*

John: Artificial*

Lestrade: That artificial intelligence is outsmarting you.

John: Oh be quilt!

John: Quiet!

Lestrade: Why don't you let John operate the phone?

John: Hey Lestrade, sorry about that, I re-programmed my auto-fix to mess with him so he wouldn't steal my phone anymore.

Lestrade: Well played John, well played.

John: And 'Shirley' thinks he's so smart...

Lestrade: *tips hat*


	9. Crying Client

_17 February 11:24am_

Sherlock: John come here, you are the doctor!

John: I'm a little busy at the store since you saw fit to let your head bleed onto my salad.

Sherlock: John this is an emergency!

John: Is someone trying to kill you?

Sherlock: No... I don't think so

John: Darn.

Sherlock: John I need help! It's screaming!

John: What is screaming?

Sherlock: And it spewed some foul substance all over the couch!

John: What are you talking about?

Sherlock: zxsadsdx

John: What was that?

Sherlock: Sorry, it had my cellular in its mouth!

John: What had your cellular?

Sherlock: When are you coming home?!

John: I'm hopping a bus now.

Sherlock: Well it's about time!

_18 February 12:36am_

The Personal Blog of John H. Watson 

**Unexpected Visitor **

So after finding out that my salad was nicely coated in blood left over from one of Sherlock's experiments I left to find myself a new lunch at the store. Repeated texts from Sherlock urging me back ended up to be caused by none other than a month-old infant boy. We have no idea where his mother is or how he ended up with us, but he is quite taken with Sherlock.

After I returned, Sherlock attempted to pass the baby to me, but this only made the boy cry harder. I told Sherlock just because I'm a doctor does not mean I'm a nursemaid and that this was his client. The look on Sherlock's face as I passed him the baby who was instantly quiet was priceless.

We are both still looking for the whereabouts of the boy's mother, but I'm enjoying watching Sherlock peruse the papers with a baby on his knee.

**C****omments:**

Mycroft: My what a happy couple! You never hinted at this sort of development John...

John: What? No! It was an abandoned baby!

Molly: Oh how sad... Do you want some help Sherlock?

John: Oh no Molly, the baby quite likes our dear detective!

Lestrade: So that's why we haven't been seeing any of Sherlock lately... really John you should've invited me to watch!

Sherlock: Your face would scar the child for life!

Lestrade: Lacking sleep grumpy?

Sherlock: I don't have time for this nonsense, the baby needs his bottle.

* * *

TBC... I don't know if anyone else noticed the picture with Benedict holding the baby that's been circulating, but Azolean showed it to me and now this...


End file.
